The Banter Thread

[Anonymous]

Nowt wrong with a bit axle juice LOL better than most of the Cowell crud that britian has been plagued with on the last ten Years or so.watched the Olympics concert thought George Michael singing freedom was excellent but Jesse jay,tinchie.and Tao stole the show what car did ye take them photos from focus?

Totally agree Jass, I loved the Eric Idle bit. Touch of the old British humour and a classic.

 

[Anonymous]

Yes the the part where all the dolly birds rose up behind him in a timely fashion he was a class act l love the life of Brian film how you gettin on with yourovely rcz with them cracking black soltice wheels?

 

[Anonymous]

Nowt wrong with a bit axle juice LOL better than most of the Cowell crud that britian has been plagued with on the last ten Years or so.watched the Olympics concert thought George Michael singing freedom was excellent but Jesse jay,tinchie.and Tao stole the show what car did ye take them photos from focus?

Yea the focus driving it just reinforces my determination to never buy a diesel :thumbdown: :lol: :lol: :lol: not only does it sound like tractor but u've no power if ur in the wrong gear :eusa-shhh: :crazy: loved g'n'r before axle disappeared up his own backside saw the reworked version with just axle, no slash or duff and it just weren't the same :thumbdown:

 

[Anonymous]

Yes the the part where all the dolly birds rose up behind him in a timely fashion he was a class act l love the life of Brian film how you gettin on with yourovely rcz with them cracking black soltice wheels?

They were some pretty special dolly birds alright and the life of Brian is just genius, a timeless piece of comedy. The RCZ is is unbelievable thanx, its even better than I thought it would be. Going to bed being excited about driving to work is a pretty big effect lol

 

[Anonymous]

What a day. I had a spare hour as things went a little quiet at work and so helped to dispose of some perfectly good beer. I personally opened up approx 90 cases and took the tops off approx 1000 bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale and poured it away!!! Just one pallet another dozen or so to go :beer:

 

[Anonymous]

What a day. I had a spare hour as things went a little quiet at work and so helped to dispose of some perfectly good beer. I personally opened up approx 90 cases and took the tops off approx 1000 bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale and poured it away!!! Just one pallet another dozen or so to go :beer:

What the bejesus?! There will be Geordies with hearts breaking at this news. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you are now appear on wanted posters in the great city of Newcastle.

I had a rather "interesting" day which has culminated in a trip to G-Docs, followed relatively swiftly to a trip to A&E and 5 hours later I have been diagnosed with exactly what I told the Dr I spoke with initially I had some time earlier. So I have a pneumothorax which is essentially a partially collapsed lung. I Recognised the symptoms having had one two years ago. I am now home at 1:45am and unable to fly to Orkney tomorrow to attend a wedding as the pressurised steel bird could case the lung to collapse completely and my condition to deteriorate rapidly. Bl**dy hell!!

I shall mostly now be unable to do much of anything and have to keep a close eye on things and go straight back should the symptoms worsen. Arse!!! All in all a sh*t day!!

 

[Anonymous]

Wot where Audi thinking boy racer special :lol: :lol: :lol:
And it's not a 1 of there are 2 for sale the other doesn't have the big 1 on the door but just as bad :thumbdown:

 

[Anonymous]

What a day. I had a spare hour as things went a little quiet at work and so helped to dispose of some perfectly good beer. I personally opened up approx 90 cases and took the tops off approx 1000 bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale and poured it away!!! Just one pallet another dozen or so to go :beer:

What the bejesus?! There will be Geordies with hearts breaking at this news. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you are now appear on wanted posters in the great city of Newcastle.

I had a rather "interesting" day which has culminated in a trip to G-Docs, followed relatively swiftly to a trip to A&E and 5 hours later I have been diagnosed with exactly what I told the Dr I spoke with initially I had some time earlier. So I have a pneumothorax which is essentially a partially collapsed lung. I Recognised the symptoms having had one two years ago. I am now home at 1:45am and unable to fly to Orkney tomorrow to attend a wedding as the pressurised steel bird could case the lung to collapse completely and my condition to deteriorate rapidly. Bl**dy hell!!

I shall mostly now be unable to do much of anything and have to keep a close eye on things and go straight back should the symptoms worsen. Arse!!! All in all a sh*t day!!

AW rizz mate wtf hope your ok................whats brought this about???hope feeling ok never mind the wedding as they do normally end in tears and lawyers fees :lol: keep us updated on yer health mate

 

[Anonymous]

Wot where Audi thinking boy racer special :lol: :lol: :lol:
And it's not a 1 of there are 2 for sale the other doesn't have the big 1 on the door but just as bad :thumbdown:

mac i have seen one of these on the road :shock: and they do look...............like a very posh boy racer and very cool actually

 

[Anonymous]

Well i have news Me and my better half Avril are back together and working things out hopefully :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :lol: i just need to get a full time job which are rarer than hens teeth at the moment :?

 

[Anonymous]

I had a rather "interesting" day which has culminated in a trip to G-Docs, followed relatively swiftly to a trip to A&E and 5 hours later I have been diagnosed with exactly what I told the Dr I spoke with initially I had some time earlier. So I have a pneumothorax which is essentially a partially collapsed lung. I Recognised the symptoms having had one two years ago. I am now home at 1:45am and unable to fly to Orkney tomorrow to attend a wedding as the pressurised steel bird could case the lung to collapse completely and my condition to deteriorate rapidly. Bl**dy hell!!

I shall mostly now be unable to do much of anything and have to keep a close eye on things and go straight back should the symptoms worsen. Arse!!! All in all a sh*t day!!

Doesn't sound like a very good day to me. So what are you doing differently now that you have this diagnosis? How is your lung expected to return to normal?

 

[Anonymous]

Well i have news Me and my better half Avril are back together and working things out hopefully :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :lol: i just need to get a full time job which are rarer than hens teeth at the moment :?

So you are surrounded by hormonal females again. Deep joy :wtf: Wish you luck with the job hunting :thumbup: Get some tips from jactac that welsh sheep lover seems to keep coming up with plenty of job offers :clap:

 

[Anonymous]

Well i have news Me and my better half Avril are back together and working things out hopefully :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance: :lol: i just need to get a full time job which are rarer than hens teeth at the moment :?

So you are surrounded by hormonal females again. Deep joy :wtf: Wish you luck with the job hunting :thumbup: Get some tips from jactac that welsh sheep lover seems to keep coming up with plenty of job offers :clap:

Yip hormonel females but its worth the sentence :eusa-think: as life without my Avril is worse in laymans terms than a overdose of ostregen :lol: AH JACTAC.....................................MORK CALLIN ..............ORSEN................CUM ON...................DOWN ...............ORSEN :lol:

 

[Anonymous]

I'm cummin buddy I'm cummin :lol: :lol:

Great news about you and Avril :thumbup:
Every great man needs a great woman. And if they cant get a great woman, 4 cans of Bow and some sheep will do just fine. :lol:

So how's the job searching going m8 ?
I've changed mine again, I'm now working for a company called Sandvic Osprey. Only just started so early days yet. :crazy:

 

[Anonymous]

I've changed mine again, I'm now working for a company called Sandvic Osprey. Only just started so early days yet. :crazy:

What happened to Ecolab? What do Sandvic Osprey do? and more to the point what do you do for Sandvic Osprey? I seem to think that I have heard of Sandvic, however it is likely to be something totally different to the one that you are working for. You need to give jassy a few tips on how to get a full time job, as I have never known anybody like you for being so successful.

 

[Anonymous]

First off Jassy I am made up for you!! That's awesome news!! It has been long due that things went your way!! :thumbup: I bet Avril realised that she had let too good a thing go. Well in sir!!

Jactac - also great news on your front! Well done to you!! I hope everything works out and that this company are a better employer. :thumbup:

As for the lung scenario, this is the second time it has happened in two years. The first, a couple of years ago and the second time hasn't come as a huge surprise to me. 3 out of 10 people to suffer one have it reoccur. There's really no rhyme or reason for it. It tends to happen spontaneously in tall slim males and unfortunately I tick both those boxes. The third, "unfortunate", is that it is more likely in smokers. Ashamedly, I must confess that this is a vice of mine. Time to give the tabs the boot now though i would suggest!!

There's is little that can be done about it while it continues. I have to essentially just take it easy and keep an eye on it and hope that the lung "reabsorbs" itself. I have a further X-ray on Wednesday and, should it not improve, they will put in a drain and potentially have them glue it back in place. Rather hoping it doesn't come to that. It's pretty frustrating and limiting so I'm rather pi*sed off about it all.

Anyway, good to hear that two of my favourite forum people are doing well on some, if not all, fronts.

Jassy, how are the injuries healing up after your accident?

 

[Anonymous]

I've changed mine again, I'm now working for a company called Sandvic Osprey. Only just started so early days yet. :crazy:

What happened to Ecolab? What do Sandvic Osprey do? and more to the point what do you do for Sandvic Osprey? I seem to think that I have heard of Sandvic, however it is likely to be something totally different to the one that you are working for. You need to give jassy a few tips on how to get a full time job, as I have never known anybody like you for being so successful.

Ron,
I left Ecolab simply due to the money. The job was simple and clean, plus the people there were great however the money was very low.
Sandvic are huge , they are based in Sweden but have sites worldwide.
The Sandvic Osprey site is basicaly 10 mins from my house, so I can fall out of bed and into work :thumbup:
I've had to sign a confidentiality agreement so cannot go into too much detail :shock: , but basicaly they play with solid alloys and reduce them into a super fine powder by means of atomising, the powders are then sold onto other industries to be used to make some rather cool secretive products .

I've never done anything like this before, and it's a lot to take in.
I'm hoping all will work out as Sandvic are a good firm to work for and really are going places.

I have been very lucky since getting made redundant by BPI. I think its a case of just plodding on and not giving up.

 

[Anonymous]

Jactac - also great news on your front! Well done to you!! I hope everything works out and that this company are a better employer. :thumbup:

Cheers Rizzo. :beer:
Hope you feel better soon. :thumbup:

 

[Anonymous]

First off Jassy I am made up for you!! That's awesome news!! It has been long due that things went your way!! :thumbup: I bet Avril realised that she had let too good a thing go. Well in sir!!

Jactac - also great news on your front! Well done to you!! I hope everything works out and that this company are a better employer. :thumbup:

As for the lung scenario, this is the second time it has happened in two years. The first, a couple of years ago and the second time hasn't come as a huge surprise to me. 3 out of 10 people to suffer one have it reoccur. There's really no rhyme or reason for it. It tends to happen spontaneously in tall slim males and unfortunately I tick both those boxes. The third, "unfortunate", is that it is more likely in smokers. Ashamedly, I must confess that this is a vice of mine. Time to give the tabs the boot now though i would suggest!!

There's is little that can be done about it while it continues. I have to essentially just take it easy and keep an eye on it and hope that the lung "reabsorbs" itself. I have a further X-ray on Wednesday and, should it not improve, they will put in a drain and potentially have them glue it back in place. Rather hoping it doesn't come to that. It's pretty frustrating and limiting so I'm rather pi*sed off about it all.

Anyway, good to hear that two of my favourite forum people are doing well on some, if not all, fronts.

Jassy, how are the injuries healing up after your accident?

it must be very worrying having this lung health issue you smoke mate tut,tut So do i :lol: up to 20 oily raggs a day just but glad your feeling and dealing with it you being tall male and a dead RINGER for BEGBIE :lol: and jactac me old mucker great to hear from ya :dance: :dance: :dance: :dance:Hope all is well with your and Mrs H and family......... :thumbup: Aaaah the jobs scenario is getting better as i have updated my cv on all recruitment sites now and also added my new moby number to my cv as my existing number on my cv is defunct and its also visible to recruiters as i have access to my own pc now :lol: I have been applying for jobs all week so hopefully i will get to sunny sharm el sheik soon O my neck injury i had 10 days without any pain as i hadnt done any work but i done a few easy jobs this week and now my neck is as bad now as it was in the beginning i cant sleep properly at night because of the pain its worse at night than during the day :wtf: going to doctors this week to see if she can refer me to a physio :eusa-think:

 

[Anonymous]

So in an effort to wage war on the moaning/celebrating/moaning about moaning and moaning about celebrating theme that seems to be ongoing , I have decided to resurrect the banter thread which has been sorely lacking in recent times. This may be a one man vigilante battle waged by me, the rizzo aka Mattman (crikes..it's beginning to sound like wrestler's stage entrance), from the confines of the Mattmobile or perhaps/probably some of my crime fighting allies will join on board and we will become the banter based avengers once more...who's in?!

So updates on mostly non car related issues. Well firstly, I'm getting over this collapsed lung business. The first X-ray revealed a collapse of almost 3.25cms, the second a week later had it down to 1.77cms and the most recent one last week had it down to below 1cm. My odds of having further reoccurrences have now increased exponentially and if it happens several times then I will be forced to have surgery which sounds pretty horrific and is "not without serious likely complications"...GULP!! The surgery essentially would involve having the lung to be stripped back to reveal the lining and a reaction forced using talcum powder (genuinely...TALCUM powder) which will essentially act like a glue to reattach the lung and fix it into place. I'm told this has a very mixed success rate and potentially "grave" (evidently a fan of Shakespearean puns) consequences...GRIM!!

Further troubling news came with the news that there are several things that i will now never be able to do. Sadly any dreams of being the next Bond are out as i will be unable to infiltrate underwater lairs and engage in underwater knife fights as diving is out...forever. As is being an astronaut, a fire fighter or a fighter pilot...no Top Gun for me then. Childhood dreams shattered!! I still feel ding but it has meant that I have been excluded from all domestic chores which is a small win and being off work has enabled me to get in there quickly on the sale of gig tickets. My most recent success was for tickets for the simply awesome Black Keys who are a band I have followed closely for some years. I was even more pleased to learn that the support was another of my favourite bands, The Maccabees...double win. That said, if I am at work when tickets are released for a band and I don't have a non contact period then I usually have ingeniously created a task that begins 5mins ahead of tickets going on sale and lasts about 15 mins. This usually means that kids are engaged and I am free to "register" them...via ticketmaster...

Another plus point is that I have had to leave the car sat where it is and I am gradually getting less OCD about the cleanliness of it...although I still rush out to remove any bird poop. If anyone wishes to volunteer to help my...ahem...broken body and dirty car out and wants to come round and detail it then I would be most welcoming. I'll even provide a "fine piece"... :lol:

Furthermore, I have taken time to plot my attempts to quit the tabs. Having been a smoker for 14 years this is easier said than done. Although not according to my upstanding GP who informed me that, "as a medical professional I am obviously opposed to smoking. However, if you really want to quit then it's really not that hard...you just stop smoking". Spoken like a true non smoker, or more specifically in this case, an ar*se. Tried the nicotine gum...boak so decided to research e-cigs. I stumbled across a company called 'Green Smokes' who come very highly rated by ex smokers particularly for the water vapour/"smoke" that they produce. Dutifully ordered a starter kit comprising of 2 battery packs, a wall charger, a USB charger, a USB battery and a variety pack of flavoured cartomizers. I then ordered a case and a bunch of cartomizers. They come in a variety of strengths and flavours ranging from tobacco right through to coffee and chocolate :wtf: Having tried it today, I am thoroughly impressed. The tip is LED lit and when you inhale it heats the cartomizer to produce a thick nicotine filled and flavoured water vapour that really feels like you are smoking. Think I might stick with it...I just have to get over the fact that I am wandering around puffing on a cigarette looking battery with a light...still...I guess it's better than lung disease. I enclose a pic of my new smoking apparatus. The card made me chuckle. Americans...

Lastly, I wonder if it is time to trade my wife in for a new model. :eusa-think: She is a PE teacher in an all girls private school and I relentlessly tease her about how she has an easy life and how her grounds are probably filled with peacocks whereas I teach in the ghetto where our grounds are filled with used condoms and other even less savoury items. Generally I have a stock response to her telling me that she has had a "hard day" which goes something like, "Why? What happened? Did you not win at badminton/hula hooping/polo/grouse shooting etc?" I know...I'm a model husband of understanding and compassionate, right?! However, she now teaches kids from 3 years old to 18 years old. Don't envy the lower ages at all and the reason for my lack of envy was given further grounds when she game home to tell me that she had had to deal with a 3 year old girl who was in floods of tears and hysterical as she stood, "dripping" (Jen's words), in her sun dress that you "could have wrung out" and in a puddle of her own wee because she didn't make it on time. Jen, being good like this, calmly took control of the situation and ran around the school looking for a change of clothes while the now, still rather sodden child, stood dripping wee in her staff base. Long story short, the issue was dealt with and said child cleaned up, and in a change of clothes while Jen (fighting back her own desire to wretch) bagged up her urine soaked dress into a bag was then sent on to rejoin her nursery group. In the process my wife forgot to do her register for the afternoon (a legal requirement) and had to dash round trying to find her class and complete her registers. She came home and told me the whole story. While listening to her, empathising with this tale of woe and wondering if she was becoming dottled, I noticed a silver hair shimmering radiantly. I felt obliged to photograph it point this out to you good lady and was bemused as she leapt from the decking, where we were sat, to examine it in the mirror and remove it. So...forgetful and greeting at only 26 years old. I, having pointed this out to her and having done nothing resembling a domestic chore beyond cooking and making her lunch, have been made to sit firmly and sulkily on the naughty step. I'm trading her in... :lol:

So...in a nutshell that's some news for you all from my current house bound existence. In short, I am a banter vigilante looking for a band of similarly minded banter vigilantes. I won't bother booking my flight to space with Richard Branson or imitate Maverick, Jacques Cousteau or James Bond and will never be able to change careers and become a fireman as these things are now of the table for life...stupid lung. I think my GP is a condescending arse. I am off domestic chores. I will provide tea and cakes to anyone wishing to detail my car. Have got tickets to see two great bands. Am now raising eyebrows in public puffing on a fake cigarette indoors. Have a young wife that is greying (yes...this could, in part, be due to putting up with me) and becoming dottled at 26 years OLD. I am writing this on the naughty step where I am forced to spend most of my time now. A mixed bag really...now c'mon my little banter monkeys...dance to the tune of my banter flute (that sounds ruder than I intended...at least I didn't call it pink )!

Jassy - how are things? Any news in that job at the shipping docks? How's Avril? Been to see Dark Knight a third time yet? Did it live up to your expectations? I'm not certain that it did mine...although Catwoman certainly did..phwoar!! I found Bane's voice hugely irritating and slightly comedic. He sounded like a dodgy Bond villain...I was waiting for home to utter the line, "No Mr Wayne...I expect you to diiiiiiiiee". Found this online which amused me greatly and I felt kinda captured much of what I felt about the movie: http://www.cracked.com/article_20012_if ... onest.html

Jactac - how the devil are you my mucker? How is the new job going? Is it sheep "dipping" season yet? Is there ever a season not to "dip" (into) sheep. Being a hardcore Aberdeen Football Club fan (a fellow "sheep sha*$er") I suspect not.

Ron - what's crackalacking with you?! Any gigs in the offing? Been wasting any more Newcy Brown lately? Have the people of Newcastle caught up with you yet an strung you up by your boy bits from St James' Park?


Ps - this has literally taken forever to write using my iPhone and tapatalk so please excuse the litany of grammatical/spelling/predictive text errors (damn you ghost of Steve Jobs) that are likely to feature. I'll correct them in time if I can be hooped. Also, I'm within spitting distance of 1100 posts...how did that happen?!