The Banter Thread

[Anonymous]

So in an effort to wage war on the moaning/celebrating/moaning about moaning and moaning about celebrating theme that seems to be ongoing , I have decided to resurrect the banter thread which has been sorely lacking in recent times. This may be a one man vigilante battle waged by me, the rizzo aka Mattman (crikes..it's beginning to sound like wrestler's stage entrance), from the confines of the Mattmobile or perhaps/probably some of my crime fighting allies will join on board and we will become the banter based avengers once more...who's in?!

So updates on mostly non car related issues. Well firstly, I'm getting over this collapsed lung business. The first X-ray revealed a collapse of almost 3.25cms, the second a week later had it down to 1.77cms and the most recent one last week had it down to below 1cm. My odds of having further reoccurrences have now increased exponentially and if it happens several times then I will be forced to have surgery which sounds pretty horrific and is "not without serious likely complications"...GULP!! The surgery essentially would involve having the lung to be stripped back to reveal the lining and a reaction forced using talcum powder (genuinely...TALCUM powder) which will essentially act like a glue to reattach the lung and fix it into place. I'm told this has a very mixed success rate and potentially "grave" (evidently a fan of Shakespearean puns) consequences...GRIM!!

Further troubling news came with the news that there are several things that i will now never be able to do. Sadly any dreams of being the next Bond are out as i will be unable to infiltrate underwater lairs and engage in underwater knife fights as diving is out...forever. As is being an astronaut, a fire fighter or a fighter pilot...no Top Gun for me then. Childhood dreams shattered!! I still feel ding but it has meant that I have been excluded from all domestic chores which is a small win and being off work has enabled me to get in there quickly on the sale of gig tickets. My most recent success was for tickets for the simply awesome Black Keys who are a band I have followed closely for some years. I was even more pleased to learn that the support was another of my favourite bands, The Maccabees...double win. That said, if I am at work when tickets are released for a band and I don't have a non contact period then I usually have ingeniously created a task that begins 5mins ahead of tickets going on sale and lasts about 15 mins. This usually means that kids are engaged and I am free to "register" them...via ticketmaster...

Another plus point is that I have had to leave the car sat where it is and I am gradually getting less OCD about the cleanliness of it...although I still rush out to remove any bird poop. If anyone wishes to volunteer to help my...ahem...broken body and dirty car out and wants to come round and detail it then I would be most welcoming. I'll even provide a "fine piece"... :lol:

Furthermore, I have taken time to plot my attempts to quit the tabs. Having been a smoker for 14 years this is easier said than done. Although not according to my upstanding GP who informed me that, "as a medical professional I am obviously opposed to smoking. However, if you really want to quit then it's really not that hard...you just stop smoking". Spoken like a true non smoker, or more specifically in this case, an ar*se. Tried the nicotine gum...boak so decided to research e-cigs. I stumbled across a company called 'Green Smokes' who come very highly rated by ex smokers particularly for the water vapour/"smoke" that they produce. Dutifully ordered a starter kit comprising of 2 battery packs, a wall charger, a USB charger, a USB battery and a variety pack of flavoured cartomizers. I then ordered a case and a bunch of cartomizers. They come in a variety of strengths and flavours ranging from tobacco right through to coffee and chocolate :wtf: Having tried it today, I am thoroughly impressed. The tip is LED lit and when you inhale it heats the cartomizer to produce a thick nicotine filled and flavoured water vapour that really feels like you are smoking. Think I might stick with it...I just have to get over the fact that I am wandering around puffing on a cigarette looking battery with a light...still...I guess it's better than lung disease. I enclose a pic of my new smoking apparatus. The card made me chuckle. Americans...

Lastly, I wonder if it is time to trade my wife in for a new model. :eusa-think: She is a PE teacher in an all girls private school and I relentlessly tease her about how she has an easy life and how her grounds are probably filled with peacocks whereas I teach in the ghetto where our grounds are filled with used condoms and other even less savoury items. Generally I have a stock response to her telling me that she has had a "hard day" which goes something like, "Why? What happened? Did you not win at badminton/hula hooping/polo/grouse shooting etc?" I know...I'm a model husband of understanding and compassionate, right?! However, she now teaches kids from 3 years old to 18 years old. Don't envy the lower ages at all and the reason for my lack of envy was given further grounds when she game home to tell me that she had had to deal with a 3 year old girl who was in floods of tears and hysterical as she stood, "dripping" (Jen's words), in her sun dress that you "could have wrung out" and in a puddle of her own wee because she didn't make it on time. Jen, being good like this, calmly took control of the situation and ran around the school looking for a change of clothes while the now, still rather sodden child, stood dripping wee in her staff base. Long story short, the issue was dealt with and said child cleaned up, and in a change of clothes while Jen (fighting back her own desire to wretch) bagged up her urine soaked dress into a bag was then sent on to rejoin her nursery group. In the process my wife forgot to do her register for the afternoon (a legal requirement) and had to dash round trying to find her class and complete her registers. She came home and told me the whole story. While listening to her, empathising with this tale of woe and wondering if she was becoming dottled, I noticed a silver hair shimmering radiantly. I felt obliged to photograph it point this out to you good lady and was bemused as she leapt from the decking, where we were sat, to examine it in the mirror and remove it. So...forgetful and greeting at only 26 years old. I, having pointed this out to her and having done nothing resembling a domestic chore beyond cooking and making her lunch, have been made to sit firmly and sulkily on the naughty step. I'm trading her in... :lol:

So...in a nutshell that's some news for you all from my current house bound existence. In short, I am a banter vigilante looking for a band of similarly minded banter vigilantes. I won't bother booking my flight to space with Richard Branson or imitate Maverick, Jacques Cousteau or James Bond and will never be able to change careers and become a fireman as these things are now of the table for life...stupid lung. I think my GP is a condescending arse. I am off domestic chores. I will provide tea and cakes to anyone wishing to detail my car. Have got tickets to see two great bands. Am now raising eyebrows in public puffing on a fake cigarette indoors. Have a young wife that is greying (yes...this could, in part, be due to putting up with me) and becoming dottled at 26 years OLD. I am writing this on the naughty step where I am forced to spend most of my time now. A mixed bag really...now c'mon my little banter monkeys...dance to the tune of my banter flute (that sounds ruder than I intended...at least I didn't call it pink )!

Jassy - how are things? Any news in that job at the shipping docks? How's Avril? Been to see Dark Knight a third time yet? Did it live up to your expectations? I'm not certain that it did mine...although Catwoman certainly did..phwoar!! I found Bane's voice hugely irritating and slightly comedic. He sounded like a dodgy Bond villain...I was waiting for home to utter the line, "No Mr Wayne...I expect you to diiiiiiiiee". Found this online which amused me greatly and I felt kinda captured much of what I felt about the movie: http://www.cracked.com/article_20012_if ... onest.html

Jactac - how the devil are you my mucker? How is the new job going? Is it sheep "dipping" season yet? Is there ever a season not to "dip" (into) sheep. Being a hardcore Aberdeen Football Club fan (a fellow "sheep sha*$er") I suspect not.

Ron - what's crackalacking with you?! Any gigs in the offing? Been wasting any more Newcy Brown lately? Have the people of Newcastle caught up with you yet an strung you up by your boy bits from St James' Park?


Ps - this has literally taken forever to write using my iPhone and tapatalk so please excuse the litany of grammatical/spelling/predictive text errors (damn you ghost of Steve Jobs) that are likely to feature. I'll correct them in time if I can be hooped. Also, I'm within spitting distance of 1100 posts...how did that happen?!

Looks like you just finished a degree as well, nice disitation chief ;-)

 

[Anonymous]

THAT'S BETTER!!!

 

[Anonymous]

And on the smoking front. Try Champix. I was a smoker for nearly 35 years. I am proud to say I haven't touched one since 2008

 

[Anonymous]

I'd easy wash your car Matt as I'm doing mine today.....but I canna be fcked coming into BoD!! Presume your not allowed to drive then..... Jen should be out there washing the car wearing a tight white T to cheer you up... but that hyperventilating is probably not good for the knackered bellows....... chin up ma loon.

 

[RCZ1]

Mr rizz, your tale of your lung, nigh put me off my breakfast let's hope that it just goes away and never happens again - fingers crossed.

I would offer to do your car for you but I've got plans to give mine the full works today

That poor wife of yours. Don't you know that it's the worst thing you can do to highlight any grey hairs, particularly your first one ! I would keep you on the naughty step for the rest of the year.... Lol

Ps keep up the good work - A*

 

[Anonymous]

Ron - what's crackalacking with you?! Any gigs in the offing? Been wasting any more Newcy Brown lately? Have the people of Newcastle caught up with you yet an strung you up by your boy bits from St James' Park?

Oh Mr Rizz what a tale of woe you spin. On the upside your lung situation has improved dramatically. So now down to less than a cm from 3.25cm, that's heading in the right direction. As for NBA we have not managed to "decant" any more of late as time has not allowed. It remains there within arms reach awaiting our attention. What we did do yesterday was to "relabel" some NBA in kegs that had by some strange turn of events get loaded onto a trailer and forgot about. So as it was too close to it's UK best before date was "relabelled " and shipped to the USA were it still has a further 11months shelve life. (go figure)

As for my musical news, as to date only got one event booked for 20th Oct. Still reliving the memory of my trip to the festival. So many great performances, Union Gap, Four Tops, The Selecter, Mungo Jerry, Dr & The Medics, Ray Lewis's Drifters, Paul Young, Hazel O'Connor, Alvin Stardust, Fifteen English Pounds, Sugar Mama, Riff Raff, The Ex Presidents so on and so on. Will be taking in this event again next year as the whole experience was simply amazing. Would make a great RCZ meet

I too tried those fake fags, many moons ago. For me it was not really a case of stopping the real weed, but more of protecting my job. Not being allowed to smoke in company vehicles it was to be used as "no I wasn't smoking, this is what they actually saw" as mine had a red tip and looked very real. Best of luck with quitting

 

[Anonymous]

Rizzo :thumbup: thats what i call a Ressurection and a half of the banter thread nearly as good as ripley's A Viagra fuelled keyboard" you have. YOUVE even got them females involved in it You'll be wearing the Vader mask soon with that dodgy lung of yours GOING ABOUT SAYING "The force is strong in this dolphin one" :lol:

As for me the medical it didnt happen just recruitment companys head hunting for brownie points but as for me and Avril thats minted i just need to get a job of sorts for us to be on a even kiel again..............I PRAY for one :helpme: NOT HAD A JOB OF SUCH FOR YEARS SINCE THIS RECESSION hit thats been worth a mention. its a good job a keep my "light saber in tip top condition" :lol: aint got much else going for me just now............still on the bru driving a RCZ :wtf:

Grey hairs Never do ya mention that to a female :lol: so i have learnt much to my degradation YOUR WIFES GOT a lovely shaped wee heed :lol: and must have great sense of humour to put UP with the "Begbie BOY" :lol:

My neck keeps me up half the night most nights as i need to sleep flat on my back then i snore :lol: for it to be remotely comfortable SO NAY SPOONING for avril babes :lol:

but your resurrection was inspirational and very coherent so an apple and a A+ FOR YA MATE :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: As for the Dark Knight Rises it was a tricky one for chris nolan usually the last in A trilogy is the most difficult film to hit it off yes i didnt like Bane sounded like "SHORN CONNERY" at times and the "Prada Burd" was great at catwoman,the effects were amazing, story line good and the ending somewhat baffling how he fixed the TOM,TOM in the bat plane :lol: as for the "ROBIN" "THAT DIDNT WASH WITH ME AT ALL" he has never been a Marvel super hero on his "jack jones" but overall it was better than most films of this genre since the "Dark Knight" came and went I cant wait to see and hear it on bluray in november :helpme:

 

[Anonymous]

Well I AM FEELING the LOVE!! :clap: In fact I am one step away from rushing out to buy some hemp trousers, neglect shaving and buy a guitar so that we can have a proper love in. However, I fear that this may make bring me too close to a ginger yeti or a (better looking) Newton Faulkener (the hairy ginger troll).

Anyway, I applaud all of you who have participated and responded to my post... :clap: I can feel the tide of negativity turning and the light of positivity burning through the murk... huzzah!!! :thumbup: :dance:

So...in turn allow me to courteously respond...firstly, may I say that I am particularly heartened to see the this crossing the gender divide. Whoop whoop!!

Chuzz bottom - :lol: :lol: yup, it did feel rather like I was carrying out a dissertation or submitting a very belated gospel entry like my more famous disciple namesake. However, at least my entry shows a willingness to move with the times...unlike the disciples. That said...this could go on...

Brownib - Thank you...what a gracious response! :thumbup: Champix huh? I think that the medical profession are relucatant to prescribe that these days due to the potential affects that they have on one's mental health. However, those affected seem to be predominantly Americans..now...I am not rushing into a xenophobic rant here but I am not convinced they are the best nation to base a response on...and they are allowed guns..?! :eusa-think: Did you see Clint Eastwood's bizarre address to the gathered Republicans the other day?! :eusa-think: He has gone properly loopy?

Donna - Well...the thought was (almost) there re the car cleaning. :lol: I will keep some fine pieces in the cupboard should you change your mind. As for your suggestion for Jen cleaning it...I LOVE this. Sadly, so would many of my neighours both middle aged and teenage!! Also, I would have to carefully direct and supervise operations...this may well result in the conclusion of my marriage!

RCZ1 - Sorry about that! Maybe I should have included a warning of the content. It probably wasn't what you wanted to read while enjoying the most important meal of the day!! Thank you for your kind comments and witty comments. Yup, I think I might as well set up camp on the naughty step or...start work on my man cave as I feel I may be spending some time there... :lol:

RON:

You sneaky devil!! I love this deviousness and bending of the rules re smoking in company vehicles!!! :clap: Has Mrs Ron been giving you a hard time for the odd cheeky ciggie recently?

Also, a music festival based RCZ meet would be absolutely tremendous. However, showing my increasing years now, I am infinitely less seduced by the prospect of shi**ing in chemical toilets these days so a festival with nearby home comforts would be ideal!!

Finally, how does that work re extending the shelf life in the states?! :eusa-think: Mind you, personally, I think NBA tastes utterly foul in the first instance so I probably wouldn't be able to tell you if it was inside or outside a best before date. What is your tipple/beverage of choice? Do you get cheeky discounts/kegs? You must be able to organise parties of legendary status with your connections!!

Jassy:

:clap: :lol: :clap: :lol: What a fantastic response...as ever!! You are the man!! :beer:

I am the ideal candidate for any new Darth Vader roles!! I am going to invest in an outfit and get on the method acting!! That should raise a few eyebrows in the street and at work. However, how awesome and useful would "the force" be in my line of work!! Awesome!!

Bl**dy hell, stupid recruitment company. If we were a litigation nation like the yanks then they would likely be sued for providing false hope! However, utterly brilliant news about you and the delectable Avril!! :dance: That has cheered me up. Evidently your charisma and "light saber" were too hard to give up!! :clap:

Aye, the wide has a decent shaped bonce :lol: alright. She will probably get to stay. Although, she may feel diferently if i point out any further greys. Lesson learnt there I guess... :lol: Yup, she puts up with a lot with me alright!!

I bet Avril is looking forward to your recovery and a spot of spooning and improved bedroom gymnastics. Better get limbering up my man...you are gonna be exhausted!!

Finally, I am kinda reserving judgement on the Dark Knight until I watch it again (on Blu-ray but minus your awesome sounding home cinema effect). The Robin thing did NOT fly well with me. He is such a non entity in every regard...never was and never will be a bona fide superhero. I will be sorry to see Bale replaced as Batman though and the casting throughout (with the exception of Bane) has been flawless. I am less convinced about his next superhero venture into Superman. Mind you, never really had much time for Superman.

So, finally, ace to hear from you all. It really has perked me up and let the banter and improved vibe live on! Peace and love...hippyrizzle...over!

 

[Anonymous]

Well me being in my dotage, the festival was of a different ilk to say Glastonbury, Reading or Leeds for example. This was a family friendly affair. The loo's were a good standard and they had free hot showers :thumbup: The bar was reasonably priced £4/pint cider,lager, real ale and chemical beer. The music was 60's - 80's on the main stage with heavier stuff by local bands on the second stage. All in all a fantastic venue for a RCZ meet.

Re the shelf life of beer it is all down to legislation, we are far more stringent than the yanks. I guess that is why we Brits chuck so much good food away. We think as it has past it's best before date that it is off. The brewery knocked a building down in recent years and found some jubilee ale that had been produced. It was over 20years old. They took a bottle to the labs and conducted tests on it as if it was fresh brewed............. it past those test as if it was fit to be released for sale!!!!! The whole supply went missing :eusa-shhh:

 

[Anonymous]

Jesus Matt, hope you're still not using that bloody phone to type all that out!!

 

[Anonymous]

Jesus Matt, hope you're still not using that bloody phone to type all that out!!

:lol: nope I sensibly switched to the laptop for that particular epilogue!

 

[Anonymous]

Jesus Matt, hope you're still not using that bloody phone to type all that out!!

Donna you have eventually made me laugh....LOL Mathews been hitting something hard...LOL but l am jealous becoz l aint allowed to be like that no more just a person no more l am the DARK KNIGHT INDEED as I never have a job or a long lasting burd :lol: and skint but enjoy Lambos

 

[Anonymous]

Jesus Matt, hope you're still not using that bloody phone to type all that out!!

Donna you have eventually made me laugh....LOL Mathews been hitting something hard...LOL but l am jealous becoz l aint allowed to be like that no more just a person no more l am the DARK KNIGHT INDEED as I never have a job or a long lasting burd :lol: and skint but enjoy Lambos

I blame the codeine...and having a LOT of time on my hands! Still...I have a lot of well ironed shirts as a result.

 

[Anonymous]

Jesus Matt, hope you're still not using that bloody phone to type all that out!!

Donna you have eventually made me laugh....LOL Mathews been hitting something hard...LOL but l am jealous becoz l aint allowed to be like that no more just a person no more l am the DARK KNIGHT INDEED as I never have a job or a long lasting burd :lol: and skint but enjoy Lambos

I blame the codeine...and having a LOT of time on my hands! Still...I have a lot of well ironed shirts as a result.

Now there's a bargaining tool .... swap you a carwash for a basket of ironing!!!

 

[Anonymous]

Rizzo my good man, hope the lungs get sorted .
That must be the longest thread I've seen on this forum, its a good job you were typing it and not saying it, cos with your lungs you would be a lovely shade of blue after the 2nd paragraph. :lol:

As for "dipping" sheep, you can dip one when ever you feel urge, in fact i feel the need right now :?

 

[Anonymous]

Well ok then here's one for the lads.
Its our very own Kate with here tit out. :thumbup:

 

[Anonymous]

I have to say that I did by total accident come across the real thing whilst just "browsing" the net :eusa-whistle:
And in my opinion the above is far better, with all the fuss thats going about I expected to see the Queens head for nipples :lol:

 

[Anonymous]

:lol: :lol: :lol: I too, totally accidentally of course, stumbled across the images too. Still completely discombobulated about how that happened :eusa-think: ...I'll have words with my ISP.

 

[Anonymous]

:lol: :lol: :lol: I too, totally accidentally of course, stumbled across the images too. Still completely discombobulated about how that happened :eusa-think: ...I'll have words with my ISP.

We must have the same ISP m8, bloody frustrating , I have far better things to be doing when I'm on my own at home :lol:

 

[Anonymous]

Well ok then here's one for the lads.
Its our very own Kate with here tit out. :thumbup:

LOL.................. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: so where can these royal puppies be viewed :wtf: :lol: